Most of us want to be happy. And yet, do we really believe we deserve it? Among the barriers to our happiness is the idea that it’s selfish to want happiness. It’s not. In fact, a case can be made that not pursuing happiness is the more self-absorbed choice.
“Happiness is your nature. It is not wrong to desire it. What is wrong is seeking it outside, when it is inside.”
– Ramana Maharshi –
Understanding Happiness
Social surveys in the United States, such as the General Social Survey, have found as few as 14% of Americans saying they’re “very happy.” If you don’t think happiness is something you can reach, part of the problem might be your definition of happiness.
Our culture often teaches us that happiness is something to be acquired, and that it’s in limited supply. If we work hard, we’ll get the things that will make us happy in the future. But this type of happiness, that which comes from the outside, is more akin to relief. It’s a temporary, fleeting happiness that’s dependent on circumstances beyond our control.
In contemplative traditions, true happiness is described as more akin to contentment, or satisfaction. It’s understood as less dependent on the circumstances of our lives, and as something we can come back to because it’s found within us. On this view, it’s a happiness that hardship can’t fully take away.
So if this kind of happiness is available from within, why don’t more of us feel it?
“Mindfulness, the root of happiness.”
– Joseph Goldstein –
Chasing the Wrong Kind of Happiness
Primarily, we’ve spent too much time chasing the wrong kind of happiness, we’ve mistaken temporary relief for long-term satisfaction and we wonder why we can’t or don’t feel good all the time.
Additional barriers to happiness include the mental afflictions that prevent us from striving for happiness. Embedded within each is the idea that perhaps we don’t deserve to be happy, or that maybe it’s selfish to want happiness. We reinforce this mistaken belief through our martyrdom, guilt and general low self-esteem.
Martyrdom
Martyrdom is a strong word, but we practice false martyrdom all the time. It’s in the small moments when we passive aggressively go along with the plan, but act miserable while doing so. It’s the way in which we avoid responsibility for our own happiness by resentfully serving others. And it’s in the way we work.
Caught up in the wrong definition of happiness, we busy ourselves and devote the entirety of our lives to the pursuit of an imagined future happiness, a satisfaction that works only in retrospect. We commit to the belief that suffering is good for us and in so doing, push happiness aside.
But true happiness can’t be found in the future or in the past. It’s only experienced now. And if in the now, we’re committed to being miserable, resentful, or busy, we’re missing the happiness we could have had instead.
Guilt
The world isn’t always a happy place. And yet to wear this suffering like a badge is less a sign of empathy, and more of a self-centered act. It says look at me and look how much I’m hurting, I’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. True empathy is the ability to feel the suffering of others without taking it on ourselves.
We may feel guilty for nourishing our personal happiness when there are others who are still in pain. And yet the world receives no benefit from us reifying our victimhood or wallowing in sadness. If it’s others we’re truly thinking of, they’re better served by us when we’re happy and healthy.
Everyone has some access to this inner resource. By turning toward happiness ourselves, we’re able to be present with the suffering of others and we can serve as an example that true happiness is available, no matter what.
Low Self-Esteem
Not all of us grow up surrounded by happy people. When physical or mental illness, dysfunctional relationships, or financial stress overwhelm our childhoods, we can become used to pain and chaos because it feels like home.
To become genuinely happy sometimes means separating ourselves from our loved ones, even if only in an emotional sense. Codependency and disordered relationships may have taught us that stepping out of the cycle of suffering is inherently selfish, elitist or unfair.
We choose to remain as suffering companions of the suffering out of a desire to belong, or we don’t choose at all, we simply act out of habit. Sometimes, we embody the unconscious belief that we don’t deserve happiness. A saying often attributed to Abraham Lincoln goes, “most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
It’s time to make up our minds.
“If you speak or act with a calm, bright heart, then happiness follows you, like a shadow that never leaves.”
– Buddha –
Happiness Isn’t Selfish
The truth is, it’s not selfish to want happiness. Contrary to what we may think, heavy self-focus, not happiness, is what keeps us most wrapped up in ourselves. Research has linked self-focused attention with sad and fearful moods. Anxiety and depression are health conditions, not choices or character flaws, and mindfulness complements professional care for them.
Anxiety can pull attention toward the self and lock us into ruminative thought. When we’re worried about our performance, our circumstances, our reputation, or our finances, our attention is on ourselves. Self-criticism involves a focus on the self. Depression can likewise narrow attention to our problems, our hardships, our suffering. This focus on me and mine may both creates and sustains unhappy states of mind.
Happiness, on the other hand, tends to turn our attention outward. It often arrives as self-focused attention loosens, and happy people tend to think more about others. Happy people share happiness.
“There is no path to happiness. Happiness is the path.”
– A. J. Muste –
The (Selfish?) Path to Happiness
Research links happiness with unselfishness. Happier people tend to be more generous, more sociable, and less self-centered, thinking about others more often than about themselves. But to get there, we have to want to be happy. So the path to happiness indeed starts off with a bit of a selfish premise. Yet it plays on this relationship between internal and external focus in a healthy way.
- Internal: We begin with an internal (self-focused) desire to be happy.
- External: But the way to true happiness is to think about others.
- Internal: The more we put others first, the happier we get.
- External: The happier we get, the more we want to share our happiness with others.
- Internal: We realize sharing happiness only makes us happier.
- External: We happily remain externally focused.
Thus, the desire for happiness starts with self-focused attention and tends to lead toward concern for others. Happy people often contribute positively to the world.
- Happy people tend to be less likely to hurt others
- Happy people tend to be more kind to others
- Happy people tend to be more generous to others
- Happy people share happiness within their social networks
- Happy people tend to be healthier and live longer, according to one review
- Happiness is linked with later success, and a Psychological Bulletin review found it often comes first
“Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony”
– Gandhi –
How to Become Happier
According to His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, the method for achieving happiness is twofold. Develop a stable, calm mind and develop compassion. We can break this method down practically in the following ways.
Meditate Daily
Daily meditation builds mindfulness by stabilizing the mind. We cannot be mindful if we’re susceptible to constant distraction. Mindfulness meditation can help calm the mind by making us less reactive. We learn to be present with the world as it is. Over time, many people find they can feel content despite changing circumstances.
- LISTEN: James Baraz on Why the Purpose of Practice is Happiness
- MEDITATE: Growing Happiness in the Mind
Stop Judging Others
Our critiques of others are often a reflection of our own self-criticisms. To judge others is to deem ourselves separate from, and often better than. As you judge others less, you may notice you feel less judged yourself. Happiness arises as you focus less on what makes you different and special, and more on the ways in which we’re similar and connected.
- JOURNAL: Assessing Versus Judging Others
- MEDITATE: Noting Your Judgments
Practice Self-Care
True self care is not selfish at all, but the practice of setting boundaries and filling your cup to ensure you’re capable of caring for others. When we practice self-care with the benefit of all beings in mind, we develop the kindness and generosity that is correlated with true happiness.
Choose Experiences Over Things
Spending can become a way of chasing the wrong kind of happiness: researchers have linked compulsive buying with depressive symptoms. By contrast, people who invest in experiences over things tend to report more in-the-moment happiness, even if their experiences are short lived. The practice of renunciation reminds us the joy we seek comes from within.
- LISTEN: Joseph Goldstein on the Art of Renunciation
- LISTEN: Ajahn Amaro on the Happiness of Renunciation
Practice Gratitude
Research suggests happy people tend to be grateful, and those who are grateful tend to be happy. It’s hard to say which comes first. Gratitude is necessarily unselfish, as it calls on us to be mindful of all the ways in which we have others to be thankful for. Gratitude may reinforce happiness by reducing self-focus and reminding us our successes are not ours alone.
- LISTEN: Rick Hanson on Hardwiring Happiness through Gratitude
- LISTEN: Sean Fargo on Gratitude and Gladness
Live Authentically
Researchers study something close to authenticity as self-concept clarity, or SCC. Mindfulness is associated with greater clarity about our deepest dreams and desires, and when our actions are intentionally aligned with these goals, people tend to report more well-being.
- LISTEN: Sharon Salzberg on Real Happiness at Work
- READ: 10 Mindfulness Exercises for Work and Purpose
It’s not at all selfish to follow your dreams, and you may well be happier for it. The more happy people there are in the world, the happier the world will be. Choose happiness.
“I can do nothing for you but work on myself. You can do nothing for me but work on yourself.”
– Baba Ram Dass –
