Dr. John M. Gottman’s Tips for Marriage
Keeping a marriage strong and happy is not simple. Small differences in opinion and habits can lead to larger disagreements, and years of arguments can build into resentment.
The worksheet above credits clinical psychologist Dr. John Gottman with studying what makes marriages succeed or fail since 1973. It says he has been able to predict the future of a marriage with over 90% accuracy. Other researchers have questioned how well that kind of prediction holds up; the Wikipedia article on Dr. Gottman summarizes the criticism. The tips themselves are best read as ideas to consider for your relationship, not guarantees.
Tips for a Healthy, Happy Marriage
According to Wikipedia, Dr. Gottman was born in the Dominican Republic in 1942 and attended elementary school in Brooklyn, NY. He earned a bachelor’s degree at Fairleigh Dickinson University, a master’s at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and a PhD in clinical psychology at the University of Wisconsin. Psychotherapy Networker named him one of its top ten most influential therapists of the past quarter-century.
This free mindfulness exercise covers seven of Dr. Gottman’s tips for keeping a marriage healthy over the long haul, as summarized in the worksheet:
- Seek help early. The worksheet notes that the average couple waits six years before looking for outside help.
- Edit yourself. Honesty matters, but voicing every critical or negative thought can hurt your partner.
- Soften your “start up.” Bring up a concern gently and with care rather than beginning with an angry confrontation.
- Accept influence. Both partners can be open to changing feelings and plans because of the other.
- Have high standards. Don’t tolerate bad behavior until it reaches a breaking point.
- Learn to repair and/or exit the argument. Change the subject, lighten the mood, find common ground, or take a 20-minute break to cool down.
- Focus on the bright side. Cultivate a positive climate by saying kind things to your partner and about your relationship.
These tips are general ideas and don’t replace counseling. If your relationship is in distress, a licensed couples therapist can help.
