Sharon Salzberg opens this clip by saying that forgiveness is not amnesia. It does not mean wiping the slate clean, and what happened may matter quite a lot.
This episode of the Mindfulness Exercises Podcast features Sharon Salzberg, a meditation teacher, New York Times bestselling author and co-founder of the Insight Meditation Society in Barre, Massachusetts. She describes the difficulty as a sense of being consumed, overcome or defined by our own past actions, if we feel we can’t forgive ourselves, or by someone else’s actions, which we cannot change.
She then leads a loving-kindness practice in which attention rests on silently repeated phrases rather than on the breath, starting with ourselves and widening to others.
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Episode Overview:
Key Themes:
- Forgiveness as letting go, not forgetting
- Loving-kindness meditation: silent phrases offered to ourselves, then to others
- Repetition, and returning when the mind wanders
- Offering rather than asking
- Shared vulnerability and belonging
Practice Shared: A guided loving-kindness meditation beginning with oneself and widening to a benefactor, a neutral person, a gathering of friends, family and colleagues, and all beings.
Show Notes:
Forgiveness as a Shift in Identification
Sharon says, “Forgiveness is not amnesia.” It doesn’t mean wiping the slate clean, or that what happened didn’t matter. “Maybe it matters quite a lot.”
The trouble she names is a sense of being consumed, overcome or defined, either by our own actions in the past, if we feel we can’t forgive ourselves, or by someone else’s actions, which we cannot change.
The Role of Loving-Kindness in Forgiveness
In loving-kindness practice (metta), instead of resting attention on the feeling of the breath, we rest it on the silent repetition of certain phrases. Since the first recipient is ourselves, Sharon begins with:
- May I be safe
- May I be happy
- May I be healthy
- May I live with ease
She explains that “live with ease” points to the things of day-to-day life, like livelihood and family, not being such a struggle. You can use these phrases or any three or four phrases that make sense to you and are big enough to offer to yourself and then to others.
Repeat them gently, over and over, with enough space and silence that the rhythm is pleasing to you. You don’t have to conjure up any special feeling or emotion.
When the Mind Wanders (And It Will)
Sharon says that if your attention wanders, as it likely will, to the past or the future, that is okay. See if you can gently let go and bring your attention back, in this case to the phrases.
- Notice
- Let go
- Gently return
Expanding the Circle of Kindness
After offering the phrases to ourselves, the practice widens in stages:
1. A Benefactor
Someone who has helped you directly, picked you up when you’ve fallen down, or inspired you from afar. It could be an adult, a child or a pet. Sharon says she has often used a puppy lately, because her friends adopted one and the family is much happier than before. Choose someone who makes you smile, picture them or say their name, get a feeling for their presence and offer the phrases. Even if the words don’t seem perfect, she says, they carry the heart’s energy and serve as a vehicle.
2. A Neutral Person
Someone you see now and then who serves a function in your life. You may not know their name; you can still get a feeling for them and offer the phrases. Sharon says we can believe that everybody wants a sense of belonging, a feeling of being at home somewhere in this world. “We’re not so different.”
3. All Beings
Next comes a gathering of whoever comes to mind, such as friends, family, colleagues, neutral people, “puppies,” and the offering to the collective. The practice ends with “May all beings be safe, be happy, be healthy, live with ease.”
Offering Rather Than Asking
Sharon says people often ask her, “Who am I asking?” Her answer: “We’re not asking anybody. We’re gift giving. We’re offering.” It is like handing someone a birthday card and saying, may you have a great year.
Shared Vulnerability and the Fragility of Life
Sharon says that while we don’t share the same measure of pain or suffering, we do share an incredible vulnerability: life can change on a dime. It is in that spirit, she says, that we offer loving-kindness to the neutral person.
Final Reflection
The clip comes back to where it began: forgiveness is not amnesia, and the practice starts with offering kindness to ourselves.
If this practice supports you, consider sharing the episode with someone who could use a little more ease, and leaving a review to help others find the podcast.
Additional Resources:
- Free Training with Sean Fargo: How to Teach Mindfulness With Confidence & Credibility
- Certification: Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Certification
- Blog: Boredom, Grief, and the Light of Presence
- Blog: 70+ Stress Quotes: Navigating Stress with Wisdom
