Writing for Self-Compassion
Many of us feel disconnected from our inner sense of tenderness. Somewhere along the way, a lot of us learned to dismiss our natural attitude of kindness and compassion and to treat it as something to outgrow.
Our human nature is a mix of “good” and “evil”, and this core of tenderness is in all of us. Because it comes with a deep sense of vulnerability, we often learn to protect ourselves from it by armoring up against each other and, what’s worse, against ourselves.
The paradox is that strength may come from embracing vulnerability rather than pushing it away. Many contemplative traditions hold that, by experiencing it, we find something in us that cannot be hurt. Conversely, the more we escape this sense of tenderness, the more exposed we can feel to our thoughts and circumstances, since we have no direct, felt knowing of that steadier part of ourselves.
What is tenderness?
Spiritual teacher Neelam explains it beautifully when she says:
“Tenderness is not something that is acquired. It is the natural movement that arises in the openness of presence. … It is not something we practice. It is not something that we have to become. It is not something we have to do as a good spiritual being. That would be a real misunderstanding. The tenderness I am talking about is very different than the ego-based tenderness which is “niceness” or “softness”. That niceness or softness is really on the surface. It has a limit. You can only be nice and soft up to a certain point. Until something or somebody or a circumstance touches a boundary that is within you… And then you are not soft or nice anymore. I’m talking about a real quality that is available in your own being. It’s not about “softness”, it’s about being real. And tender is how it is in the heart of everything.”
Writing for Self-Compassion exercise
Writing can be a gentle way to reconnect with our innate sense of tenderness, and to practice opening the heart in a safe space.
The Writing for Self-Compassion exercise below is adapted from Kristin Neff’s self-compassion exercise called Exploring Self-Compassion Through Writing. In the worksheet above, you write yourself a letter of care from the point of view of someone who loves you, or from the “wise elder within”. A few simple steps guide you, and they may help you face yourself with kindness.
This doesn’t mean getting rid of our conditioning. We simply see what’s happening within us and, whatever it is, we meet it with compassion. The invitation is to reconnect with the part of ourselves that has everybody’s best interest at heart (including our own) and no other agenda. We can practice feeling and expressing the love, compassion, and acceptance that are already within us, rather than covering them up.
