The more I teach about mindfulness, the more I end up teaching about self-compassion. We get caught up in the future or the past, or we over-empathize with other people to the point that we forget ourselves. This page is a short practice for that: a worksheet, a five-minute recording of mine, and the steps written out below.
What the self-compassion pause is
Compassion is love in the midst of suffering. Self-compassion is love in the midst of our own suffering, whether that's physical pain, stress, anxiety, grief, or fear. We're not bringing in the care to get rid of the discomfort. Both can be here at the same time.
Kristin Neff's site lists what self-compassion is not. It isn't self-pity, it isn't self-indulgence, and it isn't self-esteem. I'd add that it isn't going to the gym or eating kale, either. Those can be forms of care, but what we're getting at is less external and more internal. Is there an actual feeling of care?
This practice comes from Kristin Neff, who calls it the self-compassion break and teaches it with Christopher Germer in their Mindful Self-Compassion program. Chris has taught in our community a few times, and his session is further down this page. Their version has three parts: noticing that this is a hard moment, remembering that other people feel this too, and offering yourself some kindness. The worksheet here walks through the same three parts, with a hand on the chest and a few phrases.
How to do it, step by step
You can do this with the worksheet or from memory, in about three breaths.
- Noticing that this is a hard moment. Maybe stepping away somewhere you can close your eyes for a minute. Naming it plainly to yourself, in whatever words feel honest. Less of a why, more of a what.
- Placing a hand on the chest, or both hands. Letting them rest flat, feeling a little warmth and weight there. Taking three full breaths, letting the chest and the belly expand. If a hand on the heart feels like too much, a hand on the belly or on the knee is fine.
- Remembering you're not the only one. A lot of other people are feeling some version of this today. Kristin calls this common humanity. I tend to think of it as a human thing.
- Offering yourself what you'd offer a friend. What would you say to a good friend in this exact situation? Maybe saying that to yourself, silently or out loud. If your own words won't come, the worksheet has four phrases: I honor and support myself. I love and accept myself. I practice peace and patience. I am worthy of my own compassion and kindness. There's nothing magical about certain phrases. Maybe using the ones you can believe, or changing the words until they feel true to you.
- Letting the care in. It doesn't have to start with you. You might picture someone or something that cares about you, a person, a pet, someone who's no longer around, and let that in bit by bit. Then a breath or two, and opening the eyes whenever you're ready.
If any part of this starts to feel too intense, it's totally fine to pause, or to sense into the breath or another area of the body that feels more comfortable. We can tiptoe back to safety. And it's okay.
When to use it
The worksheet suggests two ways: an alarm three times a day, taken whether or not anything is wrong, or keeping it in your back pocket for the moments you notice you're worried, anxious, stressed, or caught in a loop of self-judgment.
On one of our retreats a nurse was sharing, and I asked the group how many of us feel like we need some special permission to do this. I do. If you spend your days caring for other people, please don't forget yourself.
Just remember to include yourself in your same circle of care.
Why it helps
Mindfulness and self-compassion are often the same thing. Not always, but often. Can we notice what's actually happening and be with it before reacting or judging? And if we do react or judge, can we hold that with some tenderness? That's kind of both practices at once.
It also doesn't have to be lovey-dovey. Sometimes it's a very small move. Oh, there's tension. I think there's a little fear here. Okay. And then being gentle with it rather than fighting it or feeling like we have to fix it. A lot of people get scared off by words like loving awareness or self-compassion. If gentle curiosity sits better, that works too.
It was hard for me in the beginning too. I was distracted all the time, maybe I still am, and judgments come to my mind often. But I've learned how to relate to it. Notice it. Welcome it in. Stay with it. Bit by bit.
I'm not a researcher. Kristin and Chris have gathered the studies on self-compassion.org, and I'd rather point you there than overpromise.
The five-minute recording at the top of the page is there for whatever it's worth, and the longer practices after this article go deeper. The worksheet is yours to print and hand to anyone who might need it.
