When you think of mindfulness, sex probably isn’t the first thing that comes to mind… Is it? In our culture, sex is often portrayed as hot, fast, and quick—with a goal of instant gratification. It’s not uncommon to approach sex feeling tired and impatient. Or how about appeasing our partner rather than for our own depth of pleasure?
But what if sex was a pathway to deeper connection and intimacy with ourselves and others? Through sexual meditations, sex becomes an opportunity for much more than quick satisfaction. When we start a solo sexual meditation practice, the skills and awareness we build can carry over to our intimate experiences with a partner.
You can practice whether or not your partner takes up mindfulness too.
Mindfulness and sex can sometimes feel contradictory. Many people find that bringing them together can support well-being and intimate relationships. Sexual meditation may deepen intimacy, help us feel more connected with our bodies, and increase our capacity to experience pleasure—both in and outside the bedroom.
What Is Sexual Meditation?
Sexual meditation is the application of mindfulness practices to the realm of sex.
Many global traditions teach that sex is a gateway to expanding consciousness. The Kama Sutra, Tantra, and other traditions work with sexual energy as a path to presence.
Experts in the field, like Lori Brotto, Ph.D., director of the University of British Columbia Sexual Health Laboratory and author of Better Sex Through Mindfulness, study how building awareness and incorporating mindfulness impacts the experience of sex in relationships.
This pathway of awareness consists of three main components:
- Presence
- Intention
- Attention
Your presence in sex is a question of whether you can show up in sexual interactions and be present with “what is.”
The intention aspect of sexual meditation is about increasing self-awareness. What is your approach to sex and how do you show up in sexual experiences?
Your attention is on the metacognition experience. This is the practice of watching the mind in action. What thoughts come up? What stories does it tell you? How do those thoughts and stories make you feel? Is that a feeling you desire? The first step is to become aware of your internal experience. Then, you may find you have more choice in the perspectives and actions you take. Over time, this can lead to greater awareness of, and satisfaction with, sexual experiences.
A Guided Sexual Meditation Step by Step
There are many ways to experiment with sexual meditations. It may take some time to find what works best for you. Below is a guided sexual meditation to use as a starting point for your exploration.
You’ll notice many similarities between this sexual meditation and other forms of meditation. The difference comes from applying your awareness to different aspects of your experience. The process of sexual meditation requires consistent, slow practice over time. It’s best to release expectations and simply commit to being present with whatever arises, however, it arises.
Solo Sexual Meditation Practice
- Set a timer for 15-30 minutes. It’s helpful to have a set container for this practice. Find a private, quiet and comfortable space free of disturbance or distractions.
- Begin by sitting or laying down in a comfortable position. You want to be comfortable enough that you can stay present, but not so comfortable that you’ll fall asleep.
- Bring your attention to the breath. Feel the air as it passes through your nose on the inhale and the exhale, becoming aware of the sensation. If you can, get specific about the sensation that you are feeling. Is it hot or cold? Is it heavy or light?
- As your awareness drops deeper into your body, begin a body scan. Move slowly starting at your head and down through your neck, arms, chest, and stomach. Eventually, find your awareness resting at the point below your belly button. For women, this is your womb. For men, the center of your pelvis.
- Notice the quality of the sensations in this area of your body. Allow the breath to expand the sensation so that it becomes more present in your awareness. Again, try to mentally describe the specific sensations.
- Since this is a sexual meditation, specifically notice the sensations in your genitals. Allow yourself to withhold judgment of whatever is there. Don’t try to force any sensation, and pay close attention to what is naturally arising. You may feel anything within the range of numbness to high electricity. There are no right answers here… Awareness is the goal. Do your best to notice the sensations without making them mean anything.
- If it feels right, you can allow yourself to explore your body with touch. Go slowly and at a pace where you can remain present and aware of the sensation. If you go numb or begin to have racing thoughts, slow down or pause the touch and return to the breath.
- Allow yourself to mindfully experiment until your timer goes off. When it does, take a moment to notice the sensations in your body again. Are any emotions arising? Reflect on how the experience was for you.
Benefits of Sexual Meditation
Set a goal to consistently apply mindfulness to self-touch and sexual sensation, alone. This makes it easier and more intuitive to hold the same depth of awareness when engaging with a partner. There are many benefits to this practice. Here are a few:
Less Distraction = More Connection
Fewer distractions can leave more room for intimacy. They may deepen the presence you’re able to offer and the sensation you’re able to hold, and closeness can bring a deeper connection and a sense of fulfillment. Research links stronger relationships with greater happiness.
Increased Libido
Research suggests mindfulness practices can reduce stress. From a more relaxed state, you may be more receptive to positive sensations that stress can mask. One study of a mindfulness-based program for women reported improvements in sexual desire; more research is needed.
Improved Communication with your Partner(s)
As you increase awareness of what’s happening in each moment, you become able to feel what you really want and need. Sexual meditation invites you to get to know your inner world. Knowing yourself better can support clearer communication between you and your partner.
Heightened Sexual Satisfaction
It’s one thing to have sex, and it’s another to feel fulfilled by our sexual experiences. Just as in life, it often takes a conscious effort to enjoy the experience we are having. In this study, people who described themselves as more sexually mindful also reported higher self-esteem and sexual satisfaction.
Effortless to Incorporate
If you’re already sexually active, sexual meditation simply adds a deeper layer to the experience. It’s a way to expand and integrate your awareness in an area that’s already relevant in your day-to-day life. It’s not always possible to add hours of extra practice to our already-packed days. But adding a new layer onto experiences we’re already engaging in is both fun and accessible.
Increased Energy and Inspiration
Some research suggests mindfulness may increase our energy levels. With sexual meditation, you may be able to bring that energy to a deeper connection with yourself and others.
Common Misconceptions About Sexual Meditation
The idea of sexual meditation brings up a range of perceptions in different people. Culture, personal experience, and other factors may cause unrealistic expectations of sexual meditation. Or, it could deter you from the practice altogether, which would mean missing what it may offer. Let’s clear the air.
Here are a few misconceptions about sexual meditation:
Sexual meditation will “fix” sexual issues immediately
It’s not uncommon to seek out meditation to resolve challenges in life. While there’s nothing wrong with this intention, the greater purpose of meditation is to be with “what is.” When you’re able to be truly present in this way, you open up a world of possibilities that weren’t available prior. More choice ultimately creates the freedom we all desire. When you seek to solve an issue, you limit your awareness of what is happening in the here and now. While meditation may improve or resolve certain issues, the expectation may be unrealistic. Don’t let a mentally predetermined outcome limit your experience of success.
You need a partner for sexual meditation
Sexuality begins in a relationship with ourselves. You can gain a lot of awareness through self-practice. So too, bringing awareness into your partnerships brings a depth of intimacy and enrichment. As an added benefit, your personal mindfulness practice may have a positive effect on your partner. Both have a place, but you don’t need a partner to start this mindfulness practice.
Sexual meditation should lead to orgasm
Orgasm has become the mark of successful sex, yet pleasure reaches more territory. Honing awareness of sexual practices may deepen our capacity for sensation, and feeling more sensation can enrich our experience of life in general, not only in sex. Early research suggests that a non-goal oriented sexual meditation practice may be associated with changes in the brain.
Tips to Beginners For Effective Sexual Meditation
Anyone can begin a sexual meditation practice. Here are a few tips on how to get started today:
Breathe
Before you begin, take a few grounding breaths. Even if you do nothing else, this can help set you up for a more connected experience. Sexual meditation doesn’t have to be complex or elaborate to be effective.
Center into your body
When you notice your mind wandering, come back to the body. Start by practicing basic body awareness throughout the day. It begins before the bedroom. Try focusing on the sensations when you drink a glass of water or are in an intense exercise. If the sensation intensifies so much that your thinking mind takes over, slow the breath to the point where you can feel it again. This will come in handy during sex as well.
Practice sexual energy meditation alone first
Exploring your own sexuality can create pathways of deep self-connection. By knowing your own body, you may enhance your personal and partnered experiences. It begins within.
Release expectations
Focus less on orgasm or the outcome of sex, and more on the sensations. Expand your definition of what sex and pleasure is. Be willing to become mindful of ALL sensations that arise in your experience. Not just the ones you find preferable or pleasurable.
Take the pressure off
If you’re experiencing active challenges or issues in your sex life, try taking the pressure off. Turn your focus to your own experience. Deepening your relationship with your own body may support a stronger connection with your partner too.
Unlearn that sex equals intimacy
Engaging in sex doesn’t automatically equate to true intimacy. Intimacy during sex depends on your ability to stay present in the connection. You may also want to explore mindful communication in support of practicing sexual meditation. Check out this Mindfulness Exercises Podcast episode with Oren Jay Sofer on mindful communication.
Sexual Meditation FAQs
Can I practice sexual meditation if I don’t have a partner, or if my partner doesn’t meditate?
You can practice sexual meditation regardless of whether you have a partner. Ultimately, mindfulness is a choice we make internally. It’s a choice to focus our attention on a particular aspect of our own experience. Bringing mindfulness to your sex life is your decision, regardless of external factors.
Is the goal of sexual meditation to orgasm or to have a particular experience?
Not at all. There is no particular goal of this practice. The intention is to train our awareness to follow the sexual sensation in our bodies.
Is sexual meditation safe?
If engaging in sexual activity is safe for you, adding mindfulness is generally gentle, and many people find it enriches the experience. If difficult feelings or memories come up, slow down or stop, and consider talking with a licensed therapist. If you have unique circumstances or specific questions about whether sexual meditation is safe for you, please consult your licensed physician.
Is sexual meditation only for couples?
Sexual meditation is for everyone. As humans, we are sexual creatures and we can each choose to deepen our relationship with our own sexuality with or without an outside relationship.
How can I get started with sexual meditation?
The goal of sexual meditation is to ground into the present moment, increasing awareness of sensation. The guided sexual meditation included in this article is a great place to start. If that feels like too much at first, try bringing awareness to your breath and body during your normal sex life until you’re ready to deepen your practice.
What’s the difference between sexual and orgasmic meditation?
Orgasmic meditation is a partnered practice that specifically incorporates the sexual touch of the female by the partner. Sexual meditation, on the other hand, can be experienced with a partner but doesn’t require one. In fact, it’s best to start with a solo practice so the skills and heightened awareness gained can easily translate to a coupled practice. Unlike orgasmic meditation, in sexual meditation, orgasm or pleasure isn’t the goal. The goal is to simply become aware of all sensations occurring during sexual interactions.
Conclusion
Sexual meditation is a mindfulness-based practice that may deepen satisfaction and well-being. Many people find it expands their capacity for fulfillment in both their own sexuality and partnerships. Like most worthwhile things in life, this may not happen overnight. It requires nurturing and a commitment to the practice of becoming aware. With consistency and mindful intention, you may begin to notice the nuanced layers of pleasure and sensation that sex can offer.