Speaker 1 · 0:02Good morning, everybody. Orin is one of my favorite mindfulness teachers. I highly revere his practice. He's a practitioner, former Buddhist monastic. He teaches on mindful communication. Just a wonderful human being. I just took a six-week mindful communication class with him and just find him to be a very genuine practitioner. Walks the talk, and it's an honor to have you join us today, Orin. I'm excited about what you might share with us around mindful communication, mindful living. It's a pleasure to welcome you here.
Speaker 2 · 0:48Thanks, John. Let's just start with a question. Why do we communicate? So, as human beings, this is something fundamental for all of us, right? What's the purpose? Why do we communicate as human beings? What are some of the reasons we open our mouth or send a message to someone? To share our common experience, to share information. So sending information back and forth, connection, right? We want to feel connected. It's one of our basic needs as human beings. To learn, not only do we share information, but we learn from one another. So we can summarize some of the reasons we communicate and say, sometimes we're communicating to get something done. Like, would you please pass the salt? You know, it's just a very clear, specific message that's about accomplishing a task. Other times we're communicating to meet other needs in our lives, connection, learning, and so forth. Whatever our purpose is with communication, whether it is purely logistical, kind of mechanical, get something done, we're more relational, connect, learn, get to know each other. The medium of communication is understanding. It's the currency. Whatever we're trying to get done, it depends on our ability to understand one another. If we're not understanding each other, by definition, we're not communicating. So I like to define communication as a flow of understanding, right, between two or more individuals. Mindful communication is creating understanding through awareness. So it's bringing this added element of awareness and other components that I'll share, including intention, into that flow of understanding to enhance it. So everything that I share with you today, all of the work that I do online, in person, in my book, all of it is intended to create understanding. That's the primary aim. How do we build more understanding? And from that understanding, we're able to do whatever we need, to work together, to figure out the best solution for any situation based on the understanding that we have and that we've created with one another. So I like to talk about communication as a high-order skill. What does this mean? So we all know how to tie our shoes. All of us learned at some point, and today we do it automatically through muscle memory. Now, we all know how to tie our shoes. We don't all know how to play the moonlight sonata or a Bach concerto on the piano. Tying your shoes is a basic skill that relies on manual dexterity. Playing the piano is a high-order skill. It takes that basic capacity of manual dexterity, refines it to a high degree, and adds in a few other very important capacities like the ability to listen. And then you get this capacity to make music. Mindful communication, skillful communication is a high-order skill. It takes very basic, simple capacities that we all have as human beings to hear, to form words. And it refines those to another level to really enhance the intelligence behind our capacity to communicate. So the question is: what conditions support dialogue? If we all know how to speak and listen and communicate in some fashion, how do we make sure that the conversations we have are as effective as possible? That they're building the kinds of relationships that we want in our life. And just like you need certain conditions to make fire, you need dry wood, you need oxygen, you need some kind of ignition, you put those conditions together, you get fire. In the same way, there are certain conditions that lead to better conversations, deeper relationships. And we can study that. We can learn what those conditions are, and then based on those conditions, make efforts, take steps, train our mind, train our heart to support those conditions in our relationships and conversations more. So this is what I want to share with you this morning is what some of those conditions are from my understanding and how we can feed them, how we can nourish them more. So this practice of nonviolent communication is one of the streams of training that I've spent a lot of time in. And I take that and I've integrated it with the tools and the wisdom of mindfulness practice to come up with three main trainings that help us create the conditions to have better conversations, more meaningful relationships in our life. So, what are these three trainings? So, mindful communication is a training in three different foundations. The first is about training ourselves in presence, learning to be here. The second is about our intention, where we're coming from. And the third is about our attention. What are we focusing on? What are we paying attention to? And how do we actually craft our words in a way that's going to convey what's actually in our heart? How do we listen in a way that really can get to the essence of what someone is saying, regardless of how they're saying it? So these are the trainings we can cultivate. So I want to talk about the first of these, training in presence. So to train in presence with communication is to learn how to lead with presence. So let's do some definitions first and then we'll unpack this lead with presence. So mindfulness is being aware of what's happening in the present moment in a balanced and non-reactive way. It's not just that we know what's happening, but we have this particular relationship of steadiness, curiosity, non-judgment with what's happening moment to moment. Doesn't mean we throw out all of our intelligence and judgment in life. It means in the moment we're aware of what's happening inside and cultivating a balanced relationship with things. So when I talk about training and presence, I'm talking about mindfulness. And as I hope you know, mindfulness is not a purely mental experience. It's an embodied experience. It's about being in your own skin, really being here in the moment, in our life, connected to our senses. So I like to use the word presence because to me, it carries that connotation of an embodied felt awareness. So presence, we could say, is an embodied awareness of our direct sensory, mental, and emotional experience. So, what are some of the benefits of being more present in a conversation? Why would this be the first foundation? What does being present do for you when you're having a conversation, spending time with someone? Presence is a kind of deep listening. It helps us to really open up to what's happening with the other person or around us in the moment. So we're more available when we're present. We're able to stay grounded and to listen to what's actually being said, right? So this groundedness, presence, helps us be non-reactive. We get information not only about what's going on outside of us, but we get information about what's going on inside of us. So that if we start to get reactive, anxious, defensive, we get those signals right away and we can take steps to address them so that they're not running the show. When we're really present, it can help build trust and connection, right? And this is a really essential point. As human beings, we are deeply relational social creatures, and we can feel it. We can feel it when someone's there, and we can feel it when someone's not. Someone can be looking you right in the eyes, and you can tell they're thinking about something else. It's like, hello, where are you? You know? And how does it feel when someone really gives you their full attention? When you know they're listening, that feels good. And it builds that quality of trust in the connection. So if we're trying to build understanding in our conversations and relationships, presence is the fundamental prerequisite, right? If we're not present, we're on automatic. And I don't know about you, but when I'm on automatic, I'm generally not satisfied with how things go. So if you want to understand something, you need to be here first. This is one of the fundamental principles behind leading with presence. And when we're present, we can choose how we relate. And this is huge. The more aware we are, the more choice we have. When we're not aware, we don't have choice. So presence gives us that capacity to choose how we're engaging. So to lead with presence, and I unpack this a lot more in my book. I'll just give you the overview here, means that before anything else, before what we want to say, how we feel, what happened before any of that, can we just show up? Can we just be here in our body with another human being? And the truth, if you practice this, is that that's vulnerable. It's vulnerable to be really present with another human being. Not only that, but it can be challenging. Challenging not to be present for a moment, but to stay present. So leading with presence means we show up and then we keep coming back to that. We keep returning to a place of embodied presence. Everything in our society is going in the other direction. Everything is pointing to the future, more distraction, faster, more fragmentation. So to lead with presence means we are going against the current of our society, gathering our attention, rooting ourselves firmly in the present moment, and being available to just what's happening now. And that takes training. And it has all of the benefits that we've discussed. So presence gets us on the map, right? If we're not here, we're on automatic. As soon as we show up, now we're in the game, we're on the playing field of the conversation, right? We have some choice, we can take care of what's going on for ourselves, we're getting information from the other person. Intention is the next step. Intention helps make sure we're oriented in the right direction. It's like our guide, our compass in the conversation. The training here is to learn how to come from curiosity and care. So let's talk a little bit more about intention. What do I mean by that? Why is it important? And how do we come from curiosity and care? So intention is where we're coming from inside. It's the motivation or the inner quality of heart behind our words and our actions rather than the outcome. Intention isn't about, I want you to do this or I need that to happen. That's the outcome that you want. The intention is about how you're showing up. Where am I coming from? Am I angry? Am I impatient? Is there pain and I'm expressing hurt? Is there a sense of urgency? What are the qualities internally that I am bringing to the conversation? So intention determines the direction of the conversation. Intention is the single most powerful and transformative ingredient in a dialogue. Why? When you're in a conversation with somebody, if their words are saying one thing and their facial expression, their tone of voice, their body language is saying something else, which do you trust? We trust the body language. We trust that nonverbal communication more than we trust someone's words. So much of our communication is not about what we say. This is a very, very important and fundamental point in communication because you can learn all kinds of fancy communication skills. And if your intention is off, people will feel it. So I say over and over again when I teach, skillful communication is not about what we say. It's about where we're coming from inside and the quality of understanding or connection we're able to create with someone. So one of the reasons intention is so powerful is that our intention plays a huge role in shaping all of that nonverbal communication, your tone of voice, your facial expression, your body language, subtle cues that are registering just below the surface of awareness. All of that is shaped to a large degree by our intention. So if our intention is off, the other person's gonna feel it. And they're gonna respond to the intention, not to the words. So this is why intention is such a powerful ingredient in conversation. And one of the things, one of the benefits of mindfulness, one of the things that we learn as we practice bringing more awareness into our life, is that we can become aware of our intention. We can notice where we're coming from, why we're speaking, how we're listening, what's motivating us. And not only can be we can we be aware of that, but we can choose consciously to bring forth certain intentions. So there are many, many, many powerful intentions that we can have in a conversation, in a relationship. One of the most powerful is just the intention to understand. Why? Well, remember why do we communicate? To build understanding. Well, if understanding is the whole medium of communication, what more powerful intention to have than the intention to understand? And now, if you step back for a moment and consider some of the habitual intentions that drive our communication and our relationships, particularly when things aren't going the way we want, you start to get a sense of how radical this is. Just think about the last time you had an argument with someone, the last time someone did or said something that you didn't like. I'm willing to bet that being curious was not your first response. For many of us, what do we do? We blame the other person, we get defensive, we try to control the situation. These are the habits that we have picked up from our society, from our families, from our conditioning. We all carry a lot of conditioning, a lot of patterns around our communication. So having an intention to come from curiosity and care, this is a radical shift. And just this much, like if you said, you know, hey, it's almost noon, I gotta go. And the only thing you took away from this conversation and this training today was lead with presence, try to be more aware in a conversation. And how do I get curious? That would transform your relationships and conversations if you stuck with it and really implemented those two first steps: lead with presence, come from curiosity and care. How do I get interested? How do I stay connected to what I care about in my heart, to my own values? So, so far we've looked at the first two foundations of mindful communication, how to lead with presence and how to come from curiosity and care. I want to talk in the time we have left about the third one: training our attention. This is about focusing on what matters, not losing sight of the purpose of our conversation, not getting caught up in the details or our emotions and losing sight of our values, our objective, the relationship. How do we focus on what's most important? In particular, we've looked at listening. How do we say what we mean? How do we actually speak our truth in a way that creates the conditions for understanding, deeper relationships, more collaboration? So focusing on what matters is a very rich training. There's like five chapters in my book about it, but I want to share with you one of the core trainings here, one of the core things we look at, which is this principle that comes from humanistic psychology, that human beings are motivated to act in order to meet our needs. And so this hierarchy of needs from Abraham Maslow, it's one model that suggests that we have basic needs, physiological needs, need for safety. And as those are met, we're able to give our attention to other needs like relational needs or spiritual needs. So, what do we mean by need? We don't mean the kind of cultural associations we have with that word, like being demanding or needy or selfish. What we mean are these root universal human longings, that these are things that motivate us, that inspire us to act. And we make a distinction between needs and strategies. And I'll say more about that, but a strategy is the actual behavior or action we take, whereas the need is what's underneath it. And we can use this principle to see and understand all behavior, all of life, through the lens of longing. People are trying to meet their needs. So in Buddhism, the way they put it is all beings want to be happy. Humanistic psychology says everything we do, we do to meet a need. This is the doorway to compassion. When we can understand someone's words, actions, behavior from this perspective, we recognize I can disagree with what they're doing. I can disagree with their views, their opinions, their actions, what they're saying, but I can still connect with their underlying humanity, what it is they're longing for in their heart. So, what is the difference between a strategy and a need? A strategy is what we want, a need is why we want it. So strategies are about people, particular locations, actions, a certain time or place. A need is why we want it, our physiological needs, our relational needs, our spiritual needs. If we're not aware of what it is we're needing, we are bound to habitually and compulsively keep repeating the same behaviors without even knowing why we're doing them. Identifying our needs also has a range of benefits in our conversations, as well as this kind of personal level. So, what does identifying needs do for us to focus on what matters, what's most important? How do I identify what I'm needing, what you're needing? Well, as I said, it gives us more choice and empowerment individually. We're more aware of what matters to us. We can hear and connect with others. I can disagree with you, but still find something in your heart that I recognize in my heart. That gives us the capacity to transform our judgments and blame. So instead of seeing you as a demon or an enemy, you're so selfish, I can identify, oh, I want more consideration, I want more balance in our relationship. Instead of you're an evil person, I feel deeply worried about the choices you're making in this position of leadership because I want everyone in my community to be safe. So it lets us transform some of those internal judgments that get in the way in conversation. Finally, when we're able to identify what matters to us, to someone else, now we have more opportunities to work together. We can be more creative, we can collaborate because we've actually gotten down to the root of what's important here. Now that's going to vary, that's going to depend on the context. So if you and I are friends, or if we have a relationship personally, we're going to be talking about what matters at a deeper level than, say, if we are colleagues, if we're working in a professional situation, what matters are going to be the objectives of our team, of our company. We're maybe not going to be talking about deeper psychological or emotional needs, depending on the culture of the organization. In general, the more we identify what's important in a situation, the more we're able to work together to make peace. So I want to share maybe just one final suggestion here. I've shared a lot of information with you. I don't expect you to integrate all of it. It's like giving you a lay of the land. Lead with presence, come from curiosity and care, focus on what matters. We looked at pausing, slowing down, feeling your body. What's one thing that really makes sense to you that you want to integrate into your life? Take a moment or two and just think about that. What's one aspect of what I've shared with you that you would like to practice and make real? What's that one thing you're going to practice? And I can guarantee if you just stick with it day by day, you'll see changes. All right. Thanks so much, everyone. It's been fun to hang out and have a little time together. I wish you all the best in your continued training with Sean. And thank you, Sean, for inviting me. As I said, I teach insight meditation and mindful communication around the country and online. My book, Say What You Mean, this is the Mindful Communication book. And I have another book called Teaching Mindfulness to Empower Adolescents. So if you want to stay in touch or you want to find me, my website, OranJSofer.com, is a great place to learn more. And I'm also on social media, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, at OranJSOfer. And I post a few times a week just little teachings to remind you of some of these perspectives from mindfulness and mindful communication. So we'd be really happy to see you down the road.
Speaker 1 · 23:56Any of you come across his mindful communication course online, I highly encourage you to take it. His book, Say What You Mean, is, in my opinion, an instant classic, and is one of the two or three books I've ever recommended to my family. Warren, thank you so much for the work that you do in the world. I'm excited to get my hands on your book about teaching mindfulness to adolescents that I think you co-wrote with Matthew Brent Silver. Is that correct?
Speaker 2 · 24:25That's right, with Matthew Brent Silver and Joanna Hardy. Nice three authors on that.
Speaker 1 · 24:29Amazing teachers. So I'll be sharing some slides with you and some more information about Orin and the mastermind area. Again, thank you all for coming. Orin, thank you for your teachings today, and I wish you all well.
